Butterflies & rainbows & clear blue skies.

It's a shame; I was just getting to like this journal.

I feel so fucking fed up with the world right now.  I'm sick of demands and expectations that I'll never meet - never have, why start now?  I'm sick of feeling guilty for things I have no reason to feel guilty over.  I'm sick of others' lives being so entwined or dependent on mine.  I'm sick of talking and listening, to anyone.  I have a list of people I feel like cursing a blue streak to.  I need a break.  A break from reality and time.  I need the world to stop so I can take a breather because I can't seem to get one any other way.  The worst part is the awareness that nothing's going to slow down anytime soon.  I'll have kids, a career, a live-in husband, aging parents, a non-existant metabolism.  I'll have ten times more stress than I have at present and that pisses me off.

How is it my life if it's nothing like I want it to be?  Fuck being realistic.  Give me some hiking boots and a sleeping bag, and I'll find my reality in the woods.  A house away from it all.  A stream to wash away my thoughts.  Clean air to clear my head.  Only the sounds of birds and chipmunks to flood my ears.

Away, away, away.

It's all so weird to me.  Very different, somehow.  When J was dying I felt detached - didn't know him well myself, despite the blood relation.  All that really occupied my mind was how his illness was affecting himself and others, namely C.  I didn't internalise much, didn't feel a lot of guilt about not knowing him better - that's the way life goes, afterall.  Not to say I wouldn't have liked a stronger familial bond with him, because I did discover what a great person he was, but it wasn't something I could change and it wasn't my responsibility to try.

My current situation is dissimilar in many ways.  I love GP, and admire him to no end.  I have always done so.  Yes, I went through my teenage phase of thinking he was silly or annoying or just an old man.  But those fleeting thoughts never changed my deep admiration for him.  They didn't summarise my actual opinions.  They didn't serve to display my true feelings, as is generally the case.  But I'm left feeling so terribly sorry that I didn't make more of an effort.  If I sent cards or letters, they were directed to GM.  If I spoke on the phone, it was generally to GM, also, despite the fact that I felt more of a bond with GP.  When I had to visit them I grumbled far too much - now all I can think of is, How long until I see them, him?  Unlike the period of J's illness, I don't wish to avoid the unpleasantness and awkwardness of hospital visits and in showing concern.  I don't wish to push the ideas from my mind and worry about other people, except of course for my father and GM.  I want to be there in this very moment, making up for all the times I didn't want to visit and didn't send him a birthday card and didn't talk to him longer on the phone.  I want to tell him just how much of an impact he's made in my life - the depth of which he - and probably everyone else - has no idea.  I want to tell him that he's been one of the greatest men in my life and I'm only sorry that I couldn't spend more of it with him, like the rest got to.  I want to sit with him, just the two of us, and hold his hand and tell him everything I've never said.  To make him understand everything I've felt, and to let him know how important he is to me, regardless of whether it's mutual.

But I'm not ready for this.  If he dies, it will start my phase in life wherein I have to deal with the loss of everyone I love, one by one.  If he dies, it will make me realise the true impact of the loss of a life.  If he dies, it means my own parents will die, my husband will die, my best friend will die, the rest of my family will die.  If he dies, I'll know what it's truly like to have a void in my soul and I'm so not ready for that yet.  Please let me live in ignorance.  Please give him more time to enjoy the incredible life he's led for so long.  I'm not ready for this reality, and I fear that I won't be able to look past my own selfish grief to help everyone else who will be even more affected by his death.

...it's getting better.  Around here, that is.  Procrastination led me to sprucing this eye-sore up and now I actually am beginning to like it more than my other bazillion journals.  If only I could think of something original and/or interesting to say...

Hm.  Can't say I enjoy the volume and boldness of the ads in this place - doesn't help creativity flow, really.  But it's been three years since MJ began so I guess it's time for another "Let's be cute & coupley" move.  I'm game. 

Let's see where this takes us.